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So, I just listened to Tesla’s Q3 earnings call, and I need a drink. Or maybe a time machine. One that can take me to the magical future Elon Musk apparently lives in, because it sure as hell ain't the one we're stuck in right now.
The call was a masterclass in cognitive dissonance. On one hand, you have the grim reality: Tesla reports steep drop in profits despite US rush to buy electric vehicles, operating income was down, and the stock took a 4.5% nosedive in after-hours trading. They’re getting hammered by over $400 million in tariffs. These are the boring, spreadsheet numbers that tell you how a car company is doing.
On the other hand, you have the sermon from the mount. Musk wasn’t talking about a car company. He was selling a sci-fi fever dream. A world with no poverty, saved by an army of Optimus robots. A transportation revolution led by robotaxis that are, once again, just around the corner. And offcourse, the low, low price for him to lead us to this promised land is a compensation package that could hit one trillion dollars.
This isn't an earnings call. It's a high-stakes Vegas magic show. Musk is the magician, frantically waving his right hand, filled with dazzling promises of humanoid butlers and self-driving cars, hoping you don't see what his left hand is doing: fumbling the actual financials.
The Same Old "Full Self-Driving" Story
Let’s get one thing straight. We’ve been hearing this story for years. Musk kicked off the call by declaring Tesla the leader in "real-world AI" and said he is "100% confident" he can solve unsupervised full self-driving. Great. He’s been saying some version of that since I had more hair and less cynicism.
He now claims that robotaxis will be operating without safety drivers in "a large part of Austin" by the end of this year. The end of this year. We are in late October. Does anyone, and I mean anyone with a functioning brainstem, actually believe that? This is the same promise that's been perpetually six months away for the better part of a decade. It’s a carrot on a stick for investors, and honestly, the donkey is getting tired.
What makes this latest promise even more insulting is the timing. The US transportation safety regulator is actively investigating crashes and safety violations involving Tesla’s FSD technology. Musk’s response? To get into a Twitter beef with the Transportation Secretary, calling him "Sean Dummy." This is a bad look. No, 'bad' doesn't cover it—this is five-alarm corporate malpractice disguised as edgy bravado.
Are we supposed to ignore the federal investigations and the pile of videos showing Teslas phantom-braking or swerving into oncoming traffic just because Elon says it's basically solved? When does a "vision" cross the line into a full-blown delusion that the stock market is forced to entertain?
And the pivot away from the affordable $25k "Model 2" in favor of the Cybercab is the final nail in the coffin for the idea of Tesla as a company for the people. They can't make an affordable car without gutting it of everything that makes a Tesla a Tesla, so instead, they're selling a future where you don't own a car at all. You just summon their little pod. It’s a brilliant bait-and-switch, I'll give them that. They promised us ownership and delivered a subscription service for existence.
A Trillion Dollars for What, Exactly?
The real main event of this circus was, of course, the pay package. After a Delaware judge voided his last obscene $55 billion package, the board came back with a new proposal that could reach $1 trillion. Let that number sink in. It’s a figure so large it loses all meaning.
When asked about the proxy firms, ISS and Glass Lewis, who had the audacity to advise shareholders against approving this galactic payday, Musk called them "corporate terrorists." He claims that if their past "terrible recommendations" had been followed, it would have been "extremely destructive" to Tesla.
This is textbook strongman rhetoric. Anyone who disagrees with me is not just wrong, they are a terrorist seeking to destroy us. Give me a break. These firms are paid to give independent advice to shareholders—the very people who own the company. How is it "terrorism" to suggest that maybe, just maybe, one man shouldn't be paid more than the GDP of a small country?
His justification is even wilder. He claims he needs the package to ensure he has voting control so he can’t be "ousted" once he builds his "robot army." I'm not making that up. He said that. He wants a trillion dollars to protect us from the robot uprising he himself is creating. It’s like an arsonist demanding a nine-figure salary to lead the fire department. And the board, the shareholders, they just nod along...
This whole thing feels less like a corporate governance issue and more like a psychological case study. The company claims to be a dozen startups in one, but which of those startups is actually propping up the valuation? It ain't the one making cars with shrinking margins. It's the one selling lottery tickets on a future powered by AI, a future that only seems to get further away the more you hear about it.
It's Not a Company, It's a Cult
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what Tesla really is. Is it a car manufacturer struggling with tariffs and competition? Is it an energy company? Or is it a vehicle for one man's ego, fueled by a religious belief in his vision, no matter how many times the timeline slips or the profits dip? After that call, I'm leaning heavily toward the third option. They don't sell cars; they sell a story. And as long as people keep buying the story, the numbers be damned.